"Would You Visit Me in Jail?"

While I’m writing this I am checking over my shoulder to see my oven smoking after what was an attempt to clean my self-cleaning oven with regular oven cleaner.  Apparently a no-no, but there’s no ‘label reading app’ for my cell phone apparently...

My six year old son Leif has many, shall we say, “facets”  (code for “personalities”).  As was displayed on Halloween, he can be a little dark, but what’s more is he tends to be a bit mischievous.  My Dad has said for quite a few years that Leif will be either “something great or something terrible”, which is probably true.   As a parent, I suppose it’s my job to ensure the former occurs, but I think I may be losing my grip on him a little.  Don’t get me wrong – he’s a good kid.  He tried to make me coffee the other day (which ended with a coffee pot full of coffee grounds, a full roll of paper towel used to clean up the mess and Me being more than a little bit cranky due to the mess/lack of coffee combination.  But he tried).  He tries to be kind to his friends, and he is always trying to make people laugh: All good qualities that I appreciate.  Every once in a while, though, I think to myself that perhaps I may have created a monster.

He has an infatuation with “bad guys”.  We know them as Rappers (bad boys to Leif), Villains (the Shredder), Romans (Jesus Killers), Burglars (Burglars), and traffic violators (Daddy).  Naturally, this infatuation leads to questions as to the fate of these “bad guys”.  Some are explained easily, for example when he asked me what happened to the Shredder if he broke the law I calmly explained that the Shredder can’t break the law because he’s not real.  After the crying stopped, I told him I was kidding and to ask his taekwondo master, because I didn’t know.

As an aside, for those of you who don’t have kids’ “passing the question buck” is a great tool to add to your arsenal.  This works especially well when the question includes a member of the family.  For example:

 Q: “Why does Grandpa smell funny?”

 A: “You should ask Grandpa”

This doesn’t always work out for the better for your child, but it does get you off the hook.  Best used in extreme circumstances for maximum hilarity.

Some questions are not brushed off so easily.  Yesterday over a beautifully prepared grilled cheese sandwich and no-name vegetable soup, Leif pondered a hypothetical future as a ward of the Canadian criminal justice system.

“So...What do they feed you in jail?” he asks, poking his spoon around in his soup.

“There is nothing wrong with vegetable soup, Leif, and I don’t appreciate you insinuating that jail food is better than this.” I reply, knowing full well it actually might be.  “They don’t feed you very good food, I don’t think you get a choice in what you eat – you just eat what they give you”.

“So if they feed me sushi, I would have to eat it?” Sushi is, by far his favourite food.

“You do not get sushi in prison.  You do not get anything good in prison.  You might get...gruel”.  I don’t actually know what gruel is exactly, but it sounds like the worst thing you could eat.  Not to my kid.

“Oh, gruel is like porridge.  I love porridge, and they have to have brown sugar...that would be okay”.

It’s quiet for a minute as he thinks all this over then looks at me with wide eyes “Mom, would you visit me in prison?”  Note the change in tone from the hypothetical to the probable.  I start to get a little concerned at this point.

“It depends on what you do.”

“So if I’m in jail for ...speeding, you’ll come visit me and bring sushi.  But what about when I’m in jail for something else?”

“Leif: What. Did. You. Do.?”

With a mouth full of grilled cheese he looks at me as innocently as he ever has and says “Nothing...nothing, I just like to know things before they happen.   If I’m good, I get out early, right?”

Note to Grade 1 teacher: Re: Pet names

Dear Mrs. B,

I am extremely sorry for the name Leif called you and the teacher’s aide.  I have spoken to Leif and he now understands it is not acceptable to refer to you as “the screw”.  I have also explained to him that you checking his desk is not considered a “raid”.

Sincerely

Colleen Copley

Toil and Trouble

There are few holidays my 6 year old, Leif, likes more than Halloween.  Always a happy go-lucky kind of kid, people who don’t already know are usually surprised when I tell them that Leif has a thing for the macabre.  In fact, his very favourite holiday is actually Easter and believe me it’s not for those little eggs from that creepy bunny.  We aren’t a religious family, but Leif is practically giddy on Good Friday, recalling to anyone who will listen the gory, bloody details of the crucifixion story.  The best part for him is not the possibility of the resurrection of a saviour but rather the multiple ways to defeat a ‘foe’ (his words, not mine).

I fully understand how twisted this sounds, and if his tendency to lean towards the dark side, as it were, was a new trait I might be more concerned, perhaps even starting to routinely scan for skinned cats in the back yard.  However, when he first saw the evil Stromboli in Pinocchio and the devilish, wild haired Ursula in the Little Mermaid, he was smitten with the idea that not everyone is good in this world. Generally speaking, being evil is way more interesting than being the stupid puppet who doesn’t even know that a fox can’t talk.

So, loving Halloween has been a natural progression for him; he gets to satisfy his dark side by thinking of nothing but evil, ghosts and goblins for the month of October and also gets to satisfy his love of the dramatic through the costume choice process, the scary movie watching and finally acting out whatever scenario he has come up with regarding the story of his final costume choice for the big day. 

This year: The Dead Man.

 “Mom, you need to stand at the bottom of the stairs”.

“Why?  You’re not throwing anything at me!  I remember this from last time!”

“No, no, not that game, Mom.  Just hurry up”.  So with much hesitation, I walk over to the stairs where he’s standing in full costume – gruesome mask, bloody clothes – all completed with pretend scars and broken bones.

“Okay Mom – here’s how it goes: I am the dead man, but I’m not dead yet.  You are witnessing my last moments.  I will walk out of my room.  You will watch me fall down the stairs.  When I am at the bottom of the stairs you will pretend I am dead.  So then I am the dead man.  Then you scream, and hopefully I will “not” become a zombie”.

And, the show commenced.  See figures 1-4.  As you can see, the dead man did, in fact, become a zombie.  I will acknowledge at this point that his costume may be a little gruesome for a 6 year old, and that things did go a little haywire when he realized there was such a thing as fake blood (my bathtub looks like the floor of a butcher shop).

The dead man emerges: alive

He falls to his demise

His last breath

Dammit Leif, Does everything have to end with a zombie?

Another one of Leif’s favourite parts of Halloween is handing out candy.  This satisfies another one of his needs: The need to be liked.  What a perfect night for a natural people pleaser; handing out candy, everyone thinking for that moment you are the greatest person on earth.  It is a strange kind of ego boost when you hear “Carmel Corn?! Awesome!”.  In no other situation would this make sense.  We live on a busy street with a ton of young families so we naturally had a lot of trick or treat-ers.  Before each group of Buzz Lightyears’ and cutesy witches Leif would practice what he would say before they came up to the door.  From my spot in the kitchen I could hear him talking to himself.

“Okay, you got this Leif.  This is what you’re going to say: Hey guys, how’s your Halloween – nice costumes.  Here’s your candy.  See ya dudes!” And, true to form, that’s what he said.  In between the next group he came up with “Hey-o! Awesome costume!  All my mom bought is Caramel Corn, hope you like it.  Have an awesome Halloween!”

And so on for over 200 kids.

Note from Grade 1 teacher Re: Halloween Costume

Dear Mrs. Copley

Please refrain from allowing Leif to bring fake blood to school.  The girls who routinely play with ‘fluffy’ the stuffed cat were quite shaken by today’s incident.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

Mrs. B